Documenting the Coming Singularity

Sunday, February 25, 2007

A Few Things You Must Know to Survive Alongside the Other Gender

This won't be a Mars and Venus kind of thing. We don't care about the reasons why we are the way we are. We only care about the way we are. That's because this is being written by a man. We care about surviving the opposite sex. If you think you can do better than that, you are wrong. When all is said and done, making it through is all you can hope to do. That's because men and women are like cats and dogs. (Except that we can get together and make babies; cats and dogs can't do that.) Cats and dogs can learn to get along. In my home we have a cat and a dog. The dog was always cool about the cat, but the cat initially hated the dog, and probably still does, but has learned to hide his hatred and may even be neutral by now.

Let's go over some of the most important differences you must understand in order to survive the opposite sex.


Men do not like to talk. Period. Do not attempt to psychoanalyze this. It doesn't matter why, because there is nothing you, or anyone else, can do to change it. Men do not like to talk, ever. Not on the phone, not in the morning, not in the car, and not because it's boring. Men find it almost painful to have to talk. Yes, they will talk when it is absolutely necessary, but they will never like doing it. For men, all communication should be short and sweet. They want to get the job done and get on with whatever else they need to do.

Women, live to talk. I didn't say "love to," I said "live to." There's a subtle yet profound difference. It's almost impossible to find a woman who is not talking. Women have even been known to talk during sex, and not the dirty talk that men dream of, but the most prosaic, practical kind of talk you can imagine. A speechless woman was not so rare before cell phones, but now they can talk no matter where they are or what they are doing. Next time you are out on the road, see if you can find a woman who is not on the phone. They will be in the minority, I can promise you. This is not necessarily a problem. It only becomes a problem when women want men to talk, too.


For men, sex is primarily a biological necessity. Pressure must find release. That about sums it up. However that can be done, it does need to be done on a semi-regular basis. This is not to say that men don't enjoy it. They most certainly do. They enjoy it a lot. And they would like it if women enjoyed it too. (Sadly, this is often not the case, but more about that later.) Men are aroused by visual cues, just as Pavlov's dog salivated at the ringing of a bell, except that men don't need to be conditioned; they come this way fresh out of the box.

Women need love, closeness, emotional connection. If all that is happening, then sex may result, but it is not a requirement and may not even be missed. Since men do not know what those words even mean, they can only obtain sex by feigning these qualities with a modicum of accuracy. Women are aroused, to the degree that that is even possible, by feelings of being worshiped by men. They need to feel that they are the most special thing in the world to a man. Men are able to achieve this state of mind only at certain times, like when they want to have sex, or when they have a near-death experience. For women, this limited capacity is troubling.


Men think they are great, while women know that men are jackasses. In their heart of hearts, men fear that women are right about this.

Women have learned to appear confident, but they are supremely lacking in self-esteem. This may be why they need men to worship them. The fact that men have demeaned women for millennia may also have something to do with it.


Women care very much about their appearance. They especially love shoes, though the reasons for this are not clear. A new outfit for a woman will make her feel like a princess. Makeup is also very important to women. In fact, many men have been frightened by seeing a woman without her makeup for the very first time.

Men do not care about their appearance at all. Men only care about being comfortable. Men care about their appearance only inasmuch as it might persuade women to have sex with them.


So what can you do about these immutable differences between the genders (I almost said species...oops)? Compromise. Men, give it some effort. Women, don't expect so much. OK?

Disclaimer: This entire essay is satirical and should in no way be construed to say anything whatsoever about my relationship with my wife, whom I love very, very, very much.


CinnamongirlFla said...

Very funny and very true despite the disclaimer. And now I know why my husband mutters "umhmm" without looking up when I ask him how he likes my outfit.